Let’s Talk About Mom Guilt And Why I Believe It’s A Figment Of Every Mom’s Imagination

I might be making a really bold and controversial statement here by saying that mom guilt is “a figment of every mom’s imagination”. But hear me out and then let’s see if you agree or disagree with me. 

First, let’s define mom guilt. It’s that horrible (and for lack of a better way to describe it) beat-myself-up-for-not-doing-enough-or-doing-the-right-thing-for-my-child feeling every mom has when she makes any decision that impacts her kids. Whether it’s the decision to stop pumping milk or to return to work or to allow TV time so mom can have me-time or to sleep training or to hire a nanny or…literally any thought a mom has is ridden with mom guilt. 

I have so many moments when mom guilt slowly rolls into my mind like grey storm clouds waiting to burst on a clear sunny blue day. And in one second my moment of blue-sky clarity decision-making is rained down upon from the burst of the mom guilt storm cloud. Then I wait for the metaphorical mental and emotional storm to slowly clear as I grapple with my decisions and wonder if I am doing is good enough for my kid. 

Mom guilt hits me repeatedly over the smallest choices to the largest decisions since becoming a mom. I don’t want to get into the specifics because if you’re reading you very well know what kind of choices and decisions I’m talking about and you don’t need a reminder of all the tough calls we have to make on a daily basis. 

What I do want to talk about is why I believe mom guilt is a figment of every mom’s imagination. Mom guilt isn’t actually guilt per se; I think it’s a mom’s coping mechanism for having to make compromises every day because life (especially with kids) cannot always be perfect — something’s always gotta give. But accepting this simple fact is where mom guilt starts to creep into our imaginations. We start to have visions and think about imaginary scenarios where our childrens’ lives are not perfect (again, by some unrealistic standard we have created) and we guilt ourselves for having to make said compromise.

I’ll illustrate with a simple example from my experience. After my maternity leave ended, I guilted myself into going back to work because I thought it was the right thing to do to help with my son’s future and so the compromise I had to make was to hire a nanny to help look after my son while I was away. Then I started to feel guilty for being away from my son and I quit my job a few months later so then the compromise was to not work as much and forego a steady income. And I was feeling guilty, no matter what option I chose. Practically speaking, I shouldn’t feel guilty because I only had two options and while neither offered a perfect solution — they were pretty reasonable compromises. Remember, something’s always gotta give. So my question here is: why then does this unreasonable, illogical, gut-wrenching guilt hit moms (no matter what, apparently!)? 

I think it’s because we always want the best for our kids. It’s because we want to be sure we are doing our best for our kids. In this quest for perfection for our children, we have this self-created guilt that seems to chew away at us when things seem less than ideal. But the truth is: there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to raising kids; it’s a series of compromises we are making every day in an effort to do our best for our kids. And if we are doing our best, then what do we (ever) have to feel guilty about?