How To Make New Friends As An Adult And Do It Well

As a kid or teen, making new friends seems easy, almost effortless, but this changes dramatically in adulthood. Navigating friendship as an adult is tricky. So, it begs the question: how to make new friends as an adult and do it well?

Why is friendship important

Friendship plays an essential role in our biological and psychological functions, especially emotional and mental.

Humans are social beings. Historically, survival depended on living in groups, protecting and providing for each other. As a result of this evolutionary behavior, having trust, cooperation, respect, and support are central to our well-being.

Oxytocin — the bonding hormone

Whenever we have a positive social interaction, oxytocin, known as the ‘bonding hormone’, is released in the brain; it fosters our sense of belonging, trust, safety, calmness, and emotional well-being. These interactions reduce stress, which naturally reduces cortisol and shifts the body from a “fight-or-flight” to a “rest-and-digest” mode.

Friendship and the brain’s reward system

The brain’s reward system is responsible for behaviors that bring pleasure and motivation; friendship plays a big role in triggering this system. When we experience something enjoyable like hanging out with a friend, dopamine (sometimes called the “feel good” chemical in the brain) is released, which tells the brain that we found an activity or interaction pleasurable and satisfying (reward) and are motivated to do it again. This is important because our willingness to engage in interactions and relationships that drive pleasure and motivation is essential to overall emotional and mental well-being.

It follows that if dopamine levels are not balanced or too low then there is a risk of loneliness, depression, or anxiety, which can affect your well-being.

Biological impact of loneliness and social disconnection

According to this article published in Monitor on Psychology, a publication by the American Psychology Association, a study was conducted in the UK, which revealed that a lack of friendship, romantic partners, or other deep relationships contributes to feeling lonely and increases the risk of heart attacks, stroke, and premature death.

Social disconnection or social isolation is prevalent today thanks to the widespread use of smartphones and social media, which is why we need to be careful and mindful about our relationships IRL.

How friendship changes from childhood to adulthood

For young children, making friends is the first social interaction outside of family. The bonding is based on things like proximity (how close you live to each other) and frequency (how often you meet each other). If it’s high, the friendship can be “close”, and if not, then out of sight really is out of mind. Children don’t seek emotional support or deep bonds at this point — they want someone to play with and it doesn’t really matter who. This is also why kids are very flexible and accepting of new people, but can easily forget too.

In adolescence and early adulthood, friendship is no longer about who’s sharing toys in the sandpit but starts to center around the interactions and social hierarchies within bigger peer groups. The needs of a friendship become more complex. Individuals desire a sense of belonging and acceptance. Teens and young adults are impressionable, flexible, and open to new people and experiences with the mindset of growing their social circles and securing the “right” spot in them.

Why is making new friends as an adult difficult?

The time investment challenge

The natural building blocks of any friendship are time, space, and shared experiences. Until your early twenties, there are plenty of organic opportunities — meeting at school, playing the same activities and sports, living in the same neighborhood, being college roommates, working in the same office, etc. — for all three to happen, so making friends is easy.

In adulthood, this isn’t the case anymore. Meeting people doesn’t happen easily. According to this article making a casual friend takes 50 hours on average and close friendships take 200 hours. The “free” time you have available as an adult vs the time you need to invest to build friendships are arguably diametrically opposite.

Adult friendships are emotionally and mentally demanding

It’s no surprise that adult friendships are more demanding. Research shows these are the six fundamental aspects of adult friendships:

• Stimulating companionship. Creating relaxed and fun ways to enjoy activities and shared experiences.

• Support. Providing three main types of support: emotional (showing sympathy, love, trust, affection), instrumental (tangible things like financial and physical goods), and informational (offering advice and guidance).

• Emotional security. Providing a sense of security, especially in stressful or new situations.

• Reliable alliance. Being available in times of need and displaying loyalty.

• Self-validation. Reinforcing positive self-image for friends through encouragement.

• Intimacy. Feeling safe to exchange private thoughts and personal feelings without fear of negative reaction or judgment. The key is reciprocity in the exchange to establish trust.

The quality of a friendship is determined by the presence or lack of these aspects.

Putting more value on romantic relationships

Chemistry, intimacy, and affection are usually reserved for romance, not friendship. However, research shows that close friendships also have the same qualities.

Being vulnerable, buying gifts, or planning a special night out are romance-coded and signal closeness, care, and attention. What if the same behaviors and gestures are applied in friendship? Imagine the depth of the bonding and longevity of those relationships.

Tips on how to make new friends as an adult

Here are tips on how to make new friends as an adult.

Assume that people like you more than you think they do

When meeting someone for the first time it’s very normal to feel nervous and wonder if they will like you and what they think of you. The simple workaround: try not to assume at the outset you will be rejected, instead assume that they will like you (and they probably will!). This will make you appear warm, friendly, and open and it’s easier to connect with strangers when you’re not stressed and anxious.

Be intentional and show up

You have to make an intention to want new friends and then act on it. You are in control of your social world. An easy way to meet new and like-minded people is to attend events (networking nights, wine club :D) and do activities (gym classes, book clubs) that meet up regularly (don’t bank on one-off meetups to find friends). Engage with others and introduce yourself. Again, don’t be afraid of rejection — people are so much kinder and nicer than you think. Another tip: do activities or go to events that are in your areas of interest and make you feel confident and comfortable. The key is to see the same person repeatedly to establish a good foundation.

Make people feel like they matter

Building on the previous point — when you meet or connect with someone find a way to make them feel like they matter. It can be as simple as asking about a hobby, project, or work. Or if you see something that makes you think of a friend or a new acquaintance, send a quick text to say so. Don’t underestimate the power of little gestures.

Initiate plans and consistent communication

It’s easy to get lazy about making plans with a friend or waiting for them to initiate — we all play the game, but nobody wins. So, get out your calendar and make it a priority to find time and space for friends or someone you recently met. It doesn’t have to be a lofty commitment, a short lunch, coffee, or weekend hike together works just fine. Nor does it have to be a weekly thing. It’s fine to see your friends once in two months if that’s all you can accommodate, but they will notice the time and effort made, and that’s what matters. Be genuine about keeping in touch and checking in regularly; don’t reach out to friends only when you need something. Consistent communication is also important to growing trust and loyalty in friendship.

Listen, observe, and be flexible

As adults, we have strong preferences, likes and dislikes. It’s easy to judge or write off someone we meet for the first time due to our biases and perspectives. Be open and flexible because friendships can form over unexpected areas of interest or situations. Listen and notice what a new acquaintance says or does, it’s amazing what you can learn about a person by quiet observation. It’s a good thing if your friends aren’t the same as you or don’t like all the same things, it leaves room to learn, grow, and experience new things together.

Don’t expect every new friendship to be a close one

Let go of the idea all friendships have to be close or deep. We’re brought up to believe this is a social norm, but it’s not. You can have friends or acquaintances who aren’t super close to you, but you enjoy their company. The person who has the same commute route, or somebody you met traveling and are now only social media buddies who like each other’s posts, or the friend of a friend who only invites you out for big group hangs every few months. Each of these relationships is valuable in their way, maybe they were special at a specific moment in time, or something that is part of your everyday life. But take away the pressure of having to make every new connection a deep one because it’s unrealistic.

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