Convo Over Coffee: Privacy Is A Right, Which Needs To Be Respected. But How Easily People Forget This.

I am excited (and a little nervous) to share a little announcement with all of you: welcome to a new section of my blog called Convo over Coffee.

It is exactly as the name suggests: it’s you and I having conversation through a series of posts, where I want to share more personal, relatable content, which you can read while enjoying a cup of coffee (or your drink or snack of choice). At the same time, I want to get feedback on the topics you are most interested in, to ignite meaningful, real conversations in the future.

I have been toying with the idea to start something like this for almost a year now but I was putting it off because, in all honesty, I am scared and anxious about sharing more of my personal life and thoughts on a public platform. That being said, I do find happiness and joy in writing, sharing stories, building connections, and engaging with my growing community. So getting deeper and more personal with you via the blog seems like the natural next step in our relationship (and dare I say, friendship? :)).

I thought long and hard what the “topic” for my first Convo Over Coffee post should be and I couldn’t quite come up with something to write about that I felt strongly about. My promise through these posts is to be raw, unfiltered, and, most importantly, honest with you because, to me, that is what being a good friend (and conversationalist) is all about.

But something happened earlier this week and it struck a nerve — and not in a good way. My husband and I were at an event and we didn’t really know too many people on a personal level. Most of the attendees were perfect strangers to us, if I am being totally honest. We were mingling around casually, when suddenly a woman — who we met a few nights prior at another event for the first time ever and with whom we only exchanged hellos — approached us and blurted out, unabashedly, “So, when are you giving us good news?”. If it’s not obvious, the “good news” she’s asking us about is babies!

I kid you not we were in the middle of the dance floor when this happened. The dance floor. I was so taken aback I didn’t even know how or what to respond in that instant. After a minute clumsily the words “…but we already have two kids and a dog!” stumbled out and the woman just stared at us, then giggled with embarrassment, and responded “Oh, so no third one, right?”.

A complete stranger on a dance floor — a public space — is asking a couple she’s met just once in her life about their plans to have a family. Just let that sink in. Is this scenario not completely and utterly messed up? What if I was having trouble getting pregnant? What if I had a miscarriage? What if I decided I didn’t want kids? What if I was having a challenging pregnancy? The list of “what if’s” is long. That list also corresponds to how many different ways this complete stranger can hurt me with her question.

Looking back I wish my response was “I’m not comfortable discussing this with you” or something to that effect. It’s become way too normal — too okay — for people and complete strangers to casually ask and joke about family planning when it’s really no joking matter.

I will admit that I am guilty of joking with my friends about family planning in the past but after experiencing pregnancy and miscarriage, I realized what a huge faux pas even joking about things like this was on my part. I made myself a promise to never do it again. Why? Because I now see how I can unintentionally hurt someone with what I believe to be an innocent, harmless comment or question. But it’s not always the case for the person on the receiving end.

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. It’s not news I shared publicly at the time (this is my first time talking about it) because it was just too painful to think about, let alone, talk about. A few weeks after my miscarriage happened, an acquaintance, someone I barely knew, found it totally okay to lecture me about how “now” is the “right time” to have my second kid blah blah blah. Still dealing with the emotional, physical and hormonal aftermath of my miscarriage all I wanted to do was burst into tears and shout, “Well, I had a baby and now it’s gone. So what do you want me to do about it?”. Of course, I didn’t say that; I wish I did though.

Going forward I hope to be more upfront when situations like this occur and (as politely as possible) call out the inappropriateness of such comments and questions because they can hurt, and deeply too. And the craziest thing is people have no idea what harm they can cause by asking about or commenting on such personal, private matter and they get away with it because it’s become so normal to tolerate, and even accept, these kinds of scenarios in everyday life. It needs to stop.

And my point is not limited to family planning. It extends to all aspects of someone’s private life i.e. siblings, parents, marriage, family relationships, or even the affair you may suspect your dog walker’s wife is having. Just don’t ask or comment. Each one of us has the right to our privacy being respected but how easily people forget this.

I shared a little bit about this incident on Instagram and I was overwhelmed by how many of you commented and sent me DMs saying that this topic resonated so strongly with you. So let’s work on reminding people and complete strangers to not forget to respect our right to privacy.